i graduated.. no big deal.

well, im sure this is the post you have all been waiting for... I GRADUATED!!! Yes, i like to call myself Shannon smith, BSW!! Its been kind of a rough transition... emotionally rough really. I think that comes from the fear of the unknown though which is perfectly normal. Im feeling a lot of things like scared nervous excited anxious happy overwhelmed... A mixture of the good and the bad! Graduation day was good... i went to the breakfast thing before, but those are always awkward because they make you feel like you have no friends. You know because none of your friends go at the same time and everyone is with their families so no one acts the same! It's sad but true!! While graduation was happening it was kind of an overwhelming experience... i may or may not have almost cried but i did not want people to see so i held it in... which probably was not healthy because now it's in there and probably going to come out at the most inappropriate time!! The night before graduation was social work pinning ceremony. It was some what of a jam and somewhat awkward! After i went eat with the Duffy family and some friends which was pretty much an amazing way to end my LC career!!
This whole graduating thing has taught me a thing or two... most importantly that there are people who love me and people who are proud of me. Even at times when i feel unloved or unappreciated, there are people there. I know this is one of those things where you are suppose to be content in the Lords love and no that he is your forever friend and will never leave you. And that he is there when you feel most alone. Maybe it sounds superficial or maybe totally lame or maybe i should read the bible more but whatever it sounds like its just good to know that there are people there when you need them.
The Lord has been putting new people in my life which I am extremely thankful for! It's really been a good season of my life even though it has been way emotionally draining... but I don't think i would change it. I sure as crap dont want to go through it again, but i'm glad it happened!
As for what im doing next.. I have zero idea..... but i know what im doing now and i think im finally at a point where that is all that really matters. Im going to Dallas on Sunday for a couple weeks, which i think will be a very beneficial get a way trip. Then im going to come back and work at school in student development. During that time im going to look intentionally for a job... or wait for one to come to me... but, i will most likely look!

oh hey BSW!


oh hey new pals!

SURPRISE!!!!

So, tonight I had life group... which i thought would be a regular ole life group nothing unusual... i was wrong. It was a surprise graduation party for me!! Decorations, gifts, cake, friends, and cards!!! I really loved it more than anything in the world. I have never had a surprise party of any sorts and I could not have asked for a better first one!! My creeping skills did not help me out on this one!! My friends from out of town even came in... they drove in for me!! They were just here on Sunday so that was most unexpected!!! Through all of this excitement, i processed so much!! I think i was in such shock because as lame as it is, i feel so undeserving of it all... Im an okay friend.. but im not the best!! I did nothing really... i am graduating from college its not like it has not been done before. Tonight all of these people were there for me and they planned this for me because they love me and i am important for them. They are my family even when my home family is being ultra lame, which happens a lot as you can tell from previous blogs. They are there to help me. Eric was praying tonight and he prayed for me and thanked the Lord for me and for the impact i have made and the impact i have made on campus. News to me, i never even knew i did those things. I think its hard for me to know im doing good unless i see immediate results. These people are in my life for a reason and I am so thankful for it!! They are such an encouragement to me!
i graduate on Saturday which is like three days aways... just saying. Its kind of an emotional time in my life but im making it!! The Lord is going to use this in an unbelievable way i just have to wait to find out... but meanwhile, he is revealing the support all in my life!!

a blog.

This blog is probably not going to be about anything in particular, i will probably just ramble. So please, get ready.
1. I have been making new friends and its really been quite refreshing. I have been struggling with friendships in general. All of my friends have lives that I am not often a part of. It hard not to take it personal, but its really not a personal reason. They are just moving on, which makes me happy for them... amongst my selfishness because i do not like change.
2. my internship is done tuesday... 425 hours later! It was a really cool experience. I learned a lot about adolescents. My most favorite is that they really are nice and caring in their own little way. We were doing a donut sale thing for Childrens Miracle Network and these two guys came up. One was this buff attractive guy who was very clean cut. He wore nice clothes and took care of himself quite nicely. The other was this not so buff not so attractive guy. He had food from lunch all over his shirt and did not take care of himself outwardly. If i had to guess, i would say he has some kind of learning disability. Anyway, they came up to the donut stand together.... i was kind of really surprised they were even friends. The nice looking boy bought the other boy a donut and even though it sounds dumb, it was one of the most precious things ever.
3. I graduate in two weeks as of yesterday ( I accept all cash and checks, payable to shannon smith). Its scary. i have no idea what im going to do. Im going to be lame and work in student development at school over the summer... money is money! Im usually a planner so this whole not knowing what im doing for a year is not exciting. I want to work with kids i know that for sure.... a day care i could work... but i just spent four years on a degree i would like to use. Are there after school places for adolescents? that would be fun... i could help with homework and be a secret social worker. :) So if you have any ideas of what i could do for the next year of my life... please dont be scared to speak up! Whatever it is though, it will be wonderful. It is kind of annoying but really cool that im freaking out over the next year and the Lord knows every detail!

gratefulness.

So tonight I was at life group and someone said the following after watching the Matt Chandler bible study on Philippians....
"when i am grateful for my parents it is easier for me to love them"
dang man, talk about intense hurlage. These past few weeks I have been so wrapped up in the unfairness of my parents and how i don't agree with so much that they do. When I say wrapped up I mean completely consumed. I thought about it all the time and it affected my mood greatly, mainly because i was/am on the receiving end of all the unfairness. I told people about it, who in reality could probably care less about my family situation because they have more stressful things to think about. I don't understand why they do what they do and its really not my place to, all i am really suppose to do is be grateful for what they have done and will continue to do for me. Lets face it im probably not the best daughter in the world, but there are worse. The Lord wants us to be grateful for all that we have no matter how crappy or amazing it is. I should prob start being more grateful even though they work my nerves to no end... but lets be honest for a minute whose parents do not get on their nerves. I love my parents, I just started thinking that maybe if im more appreciative of them then I will be able to show my love better. Maybe I will be happier.
Not to say that me writing this blog or even coming to the realization that I'm not always... or more like I'm never appreciative will make everything better, but i think its a good start. I know that I have the parents I have for a reason. The Lord knew my parents would get divorced and that my mom would move to new york and not be a good mom and that my step-mom would take the place of her and be more like my mom. He even knew she would get on my nerves, i would get on her nerves, and that we would totally clash in every way possible. He also knew all the times we would have fun together and the times when we actually act like a mother and child. However, He put me in it for a reason. Maybe that reason is gratefulness or maybe patience or maybe the observation of how i do and do not want my family to be.... whatever it is... It's good, maybe not now but in the future.
This is kind of a summary of how I have felt. There has been a lack of understanding which causes frustration which shows in my daily life.

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this

-rita springer
worth it all.

Hurled.

So, I like to think you people have been sitting around waiting for an update from me... but lets be real.
I was waiting until i was informed out my acceptance into the Baylor School of Social Work to get my masters. Well, yesterday I received word that I was not accepted. Imagine that!It kinda brings me back to that time freshman year where I applied for about three things and got turned down for each and every one of them. Have I done something wrong, i mean seriously come on!! Now I have no idea what I'm going to do. I only applied to one school because I'm cheap and did not want to pay the application fee and I figured I would get in. I have not taken the GRE and the deadline is pretty much here for any other masters program with Advanced Standing. No plans are made now, I thought about waiting for a year and attending grad school the next year with my pals Alice' and Sara and possibly seeing if Sky Ranch had some sort of internship I could do for next year. In doing that, Im scared that I will not go back to school. If we are being honest i DONT EVEN WANT TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL, but i figure if i want to make any money in my life or have a legit job i should. Maybe i should have stuck with my childhood dreams of teaching, it would have been a lot less complicated. How bout next time I grow up I major in education??? As of now I am stuck in a rut, so if you have any ideas on what i can do with my life please dont be to hesitant to share! Im always up for an outsiders opinion.
I'm sure this is just like everything else in life the Lord is teaching me something. Me getting denied does not suprise Him at all. Bethany suggested maybe the Lord is teaching me to be content in the unknown, but i feel like my whole life has been unknown. I mean why is it that everyone graduates college and gets married, I on the other hand have no prospects and no sight of marriage in the future. Its all unknown... maybe she was correct... maybe she was incorrect. Time will tell.

four

so, its been a while.
1. I have been doing my internship which is going really well. Im learning a lot and the kids are slowly becoming so precious to me. Maybe social work was not that great of an idea because i just want to take half of the kids home with me. They go through things that i never would have imagined going through in high school and jr high. One girl, i just want to take her to church and show her the Lord because I honestly think that will solve her problem. Only problem is, is that is totally unethical and just can not happen. Of all the kids i have seen her out in public twice which is cool since she is so dear to my heart. I think that school social work is something i can most def see myself doing in the future.
2. Grad school.... Yeah, i applied for Baylor. I only have a few more things to send in then the application process is COMPLETE! So, if im accepted this summer i will move six hours away from my family and best pals. It saddens me because I will miss so many things in the time i am away like babies and weddings... well ill come for the weddings but ill miss the wedding parties! I also know that the year im away, i will learn so much and its going to be a continual growing process. Its a step towards independence.
3. the breakup... i did not mention it in the last blog because i probably would not have said anything nice about it. But it happened, its been a month, and there is nothing i can do about it. I went through acting like i did not care, sadness, anger, confusion, and lastly bitterness. I just got out of the bitterness stage which was most lame. Im thankful the Lord has brought me out of it. Its not really something i want to settle my life in. We are trying to be friends and the first few times we hung out were ultra lame, i tried to enjoy it but it was so hard. The other day we hung out and it was not as bad. So, i think for now im in the content stage. I miss him no lie, but the Lord is working in both of us and its so cool to watch. I dont hate him, there is really no need to because he is just a boy.
4. I feel like i have fallen off the earth because I am so busy all of the time. Im also kind of a grandma. I go to bed so early and sometimes i do not do things because i know that by doing them I cant go to sleep early. But I would like to say i have to wake up at 6 in the MORNING every freaking day of my life. Since im at home now, its like a cave because people do not just travel to ball everyday of their life. I think they should though because exciting things can happen.

yeah.

Oh man, a lot has happened since the last time i posted something about a month ago! For starters... its 2010.... i graduate college soon. that is weird.
I went to The Passion conference in Atlanta. It was so good and the Lord did a lot. He was preparing me for things that i did not even know at the time. Probably the most Jam thing that happened at Passion was a breakout session i went to with Ben Stuart from aTm speaking. The title of his session was "what are you going to do with your life" That is something i have def been looking for considering i graduate in may and have no clue what is in my future. He was talking about how when knowing the will of God there are two things... Preceps- things that are in the bible (ex: worrying... the bible flat out says dont do it.) and Providence- things that happen along the way. (ex: there is nothing in the bible telling me what grad school to go to) So here is the jam thing... ready.... You cannot seek the will of God while you are violating it. Yes i know that is a lot to take in... but its worth it. That has stuck in my head since i have left the philips arena! So many other jam things were said... but lets be real.. i would be writing all day.
Other news... im not living on campus this semester.. im officially a commuter! I decided there was no point to live on campus since i will never be there due to my internship, which starts monday! I will be at Tioga High and im so ridiculously stoked about it!!! Its going to be such a learning experience staying at home since i have not really lived there in almost four years! But we are saving a lot of money which i possibly get to use to get a car with... im way stoked about that!!! I know that this semester is going to bring a time of learning, conquering fears, growing and so many other wonderful things... but im not that naive, i also know that it is going to bring times of sadness, stress, and frustration. I trust that the Lord is going to do so much and even though im out of control scared and unsure... a little part of me is semi excited.
Grad school.... lately i have been thinking about Baylor in Waco, TX.... six hours away.... its far away but i think it will be a good change. If that is my decision its def going to be hard to leave... but i will come back and visit... and i will expect welcome home prizes from all of you... thats if this thing does happen. I mean lets be real this is the third grad school that i have said i was going to go to... maybe i will not even go to grad school... who the heck even knows!! If Baylor is my choice i will live with a camp friend in an apt that is not far from a basketball court... so i mean... im not complaing.... boys.... :)
Okay... ill update more eventually... a downfall of moving home is i will not have internet :(